My Personal Story

MY PERSONAL STORY

Growing up, I lived in a normal-sized body. I was confident and very active, engaging in sports throughout high school like cheerleading and track. As I finished high school, I noticed a change in my body weight gaining a noticeable amount of weight in my final year. This continued well into college and my mid-twenties when I married. After a year of trying to conceive and being unsuccessful, I visited my doctor who performed various tests and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). At the time, I was unaware of the correlation of PCOS and metabolic syndrome, and how women with PCOS tend to gain weight at a faster rate. Instructions from my doctor were to lose weight, but that I would never conceive any children; no additional information was provided to me.

Over the next twenty years I continued to gain weight regardless of my attempts to lose. My diagnosis of PCOS and its correlation to metabolic issues would be an ongoing issue, as I also developed pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, and metabolic syndrome. I tried diet after diet and nothing seemed to work. I began to experience many instances of weight bias from doctors and nurses; it seemed that no matter what my symptoms were, the advice was always the same: lose weight. I dreaded having to see the doctor for any type of ailment because I knew that I would be weighed and the advice would be the same. Reflecting upon that time, I realized that my motivation for losing weight was not about how I felt I looked, but about how others felt I should look. Every night I went to bed beating myself up for not doing what I was “supposed to” that day, and every morning I would wake up with the expectation that “today was the day.” Every day was met with disappointment. Additionally, I stopped doing things that brought me joy. Where once I was a brave child, suddenly my weight became an issue in all aspects of my life. I stressed when I had to fly anywhere because I feared the seatbelt would not fit and I would shamefully have to ask for a seatbelt extender, and that others would not want to be seated next to me because of my size. I stopped enjoying any outdoor activities like hiking for fear of not being physically able to climb. I was anxious in restaurants because I feared having to maneuver myself through tables and chairs where I may not fit.  Additionally, I worried what other diners would think of me as I ate in public.  I recall a few times when “well-meaning” strangers would approach me with diet advice, or still others would congratulate me on my pregnancy, even going so far as to touch my belly.  If I wasn’t being approached about my size, I was ignored and people did not seem to want to look at me.  I stopped enjoying going anywhere.  My life became smaller and smaller due to my size. Although I physically took up more space, I felt invisible and inconspicuous.

When I turned 40, a close friend passed away from ALS. We had had many conversations about life leading up to his passing and the resounding message was about how short life is. After his passing, I realized that my friend would have given anything to have the ability to save his own life, but it was out of his hands. I examined my life, and decided that I had to make some changes; I was missing out on so many wonderful things life had to offer. Over the next 2 years, I would change my lifestyle dramatically. The difference this time was that my motivation had completely changed. Suddenly my purpose became about living a good life and not about weight loss. I love to cook so I decided that I would change my nutrition by remaking recipes in a healthier way, and my blog “A Healthy Makeover” was born. The name not only refers to my recipes, but my life and my journey, as well. I rediscovered my joy in food and enjoying activities that I had stopped doing. For so long, my body – or my perception of what my body could do – kept me from experiencing life. Suddenly, I was losing weight and feeling more and more confident; every activity was new and something to conquer. I subsequently lost 90lbs in that two years. When I initially began, my feeling about weight loss was inconsequential in regard to the bigger picture. My theory was that my life change would net me a more joyous, healthier life, no matter how long it took me, and if weight loss accompanied it, that was a bonus.

At the beginning of my third year, something changed. Utilizing the ever popular BMI scale, I calculated that I had just 40 more pounds to go to reach my “goal weight”. The first 90lbs seemed to come off with any sort of effort I put in, and I had already changed my life; there was no going back. I continued my routine and began to make subtle shifts just like I had done up to that point. I had already been tracking every single thing that I ate in an app on my phone. I decided that all I needed to do was make a few more changes and this last “bit” of weight would start to come off, too. I had conquered so much already in my physical fitness, I decided that the next things I wanted to conquer were running and Crossfit because those activities seemed quite extreme. Because these activities were much more strenuous than the workouts I had been doing, I (incorrectly) assumed that this would be the extra push my body needed. I also referred back to the ‘calories in-calories out’ methodology and began cutting calories. I began working out more and more, and eating less and less. It didn’t seem to work.  It was frustrating but I kept going; regardless of whether or not these changes were working, I would not stop trying; but it began to consume me. My friends and family knew the effort that I had put forth; often at the expense of spending time with them, but they continued to cheer me on. They praised me constantly. “You’re such a healthy eater; do you ever stray!? You’re so dedicated! I’m so proud of you! You work so hard!” and my favorite compliment of them all, “You’re crazy.” What those compliments meant to me was that I had what it took to reach my goals, no matter what, I was willing to do whatever it took to get to where I wanted to be. I took great pride in my efforts, even if I was not seeing the results I thought that I should. Instead of going out with my friends for social activities, I worked out. If the social activity did not involve some type of physical activity or healthy eating, I declined. If I and my husband went out to eat, it was only to restaurants that I knew had salads, or which had online menus that I could peruse before arriving so that I could plan ahead and know what I would order. This continued for two more years.

At year five, a darkness began to set in; the doubt about whether or not I did have what it took began to weigh heavily on me. Why weren’t my efforts paying off anymore? The stress of this daily life had begun to dig its claws deep into me. I no longer felt like the dedicated person I used to because I was not seeing results on the scale. Clearly I was not doing “enough” if the weight was not coming off. More and more I declined spending time with my friends in order to work out, meal plan, or just stay on track. Every day had to include a workout of an hour or more. Meal planning became a part time job. I would spend 2-3 hours every night making a recipe, putting every single ingredient into an app, and then pre-adding the foods I would eat the next day. Friday nights were spent recipe planning for meals the following next week and creating my shopping list. Saturday mornings I would wake up and work out for 2-4 hours before going to the grocery store. Saturdays were my favorite days because with a 4-hour workout I felt I had “earned” my right to a “cheat meal” at dinner. Vacations became stressful because it was an unwelcomed break from my routine.  Around this time, I decided that in order to incorporate health into my every day life, I would go back to school to earn my degree in Sports and Health.  Not only would I have a personal goal, I would also create an environment where someday I may even possibly have a job where I’d have to LIVE it day in and day out – I was on a mission to eliminate anything that would keep me from living and breathing this new “healthy” lifestyle.  When I say that I was truly committed, it is an understatement.

The worst part about this time was the constant feeling of defeat and disappointment that I experienced. It did not matter how far I had come; the only thing that mattered was losing those last 40 pounds. I consulted my doctor for advice on additional things I could be doing or tests that they had not performed previously in case something was wrong physiologically. My doctor had been with me throughout the entire 5-year process up to that point; he knew how hard I had worked, and witnessed the changes in my biomarkers including lowered cholesterol, and the elimination of my diagnosis of pre-diabetic. He told me often that he used my example of lifestyle changes to other patients. So when I asked him what more I could be doing, I was devastated when he suddenly asked me if I wanted to try a new weight loss drug. Everything we had been through was completely wiped out.  What I heard was that he didn’t believe in me any longer; that he didn’t feel I was trying hard enough, and that the ultimate answer was drugs.

Throughout my entire journey, one person has been by my side, always offering support and advice, a shoulder to lean on, encouragement, and often an alternate point of view: my husband. As things began to become so stressful for me, he began to question my motives. He reminded me that in the beginning of my journey I seemed to enjoy my new lifestyle more, that maybe I needed to take a step back and realize how far I had come, how much I had changed. He began noticing how little I was eating, and how much I was exercising and voiced his concern. At first I fought him.  What did he know?  I’m the one who had done all of the research and I was the one doing what “they” told me I was supposed to be doing.  The thing is that a little part of me was so tired of the race that it sparked a question in me.  More and more, I began to listen; I had reached exhaustion and was beginning to think about taking a break and to regroup. A pivotal moment came in March, 2017 when my husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer. In an instant, everything that mattered before had no significance in comparison; weight loss was inconsequential when all focus needed to be on beating cancer. Unfortunately, this was the dramatic shift that needed to occur to refocus on what is truly important. In October, blessedly he was declared cancer free!  However we also found out that although the cancer was gone, he was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease, a progressive disease that would not get better, our hope was to maintain his remaining kidney function as it was and we could do that through a change in nutrition.  The advice the doctor gave him was to live a happy, active, healthy life, and to eat less meat but more organic meat, and some fruits and vegetables from time to time. With just a few nutrition modifications, life began to get back to normal and I attempted to navigate this new world separate from the worry of the scale.

Around this time, I stumbled on an article online about Orthorexia. Being a research enthusiast, I read as much as I could find and discovered that almost every single behavior they were describing, described me. It was a lightbulb moment. Instead of feeling defeated about my previous efforts, I began to see them for what they were. This research led me to many articles about body acceptance and I devoured as much information as I could, which led me to finding Health at Every Size and Intuitive Eating.  It also led me to change my Graduate Studies focus to a concentration in Health and Wellness.  I gathered as much information as I could find and started to break free from the dieting world and dieting death grip that has held me for almost all of my adult life.  I wanted to live a life free of restriction; it was a completely radical idea.

Although I began to implement the principles of HAES and Intuitive Eating as soon as I could, I am still not recovered over 18 months later. I will likely be recovering for a long time. There are days and even weeks when I still struggle. I still sometimes view physical activity as payment for eating and I still struggle with placing value on foods. Some days it is just a fleeting thought and others it is a heavy weight. I have been able to reduce the amount of time spent exercising and have stopped tracking food and my weight.  I also try to remind myself that this struggle is not my fault.  With an entire lifetime of information spewed at me about how healthy equates to thinness, how can I expect to undo it in a short period of time?

I am progressing, albeit slowly.  A positive aspect is that although I have eased up on long workouts, I still try to work out most days simply because I enjoy the way it makes me feel. Additionally, I still tend towards what most people would view as healthy eating habits, again mostly because of the way certain foods make me feel physically. What I am looking for, is a happy medium, a balance; a place where I am not dieting, nor is my nutrition simply donuts because I no longer want to restrict myself…I am discovering that balance.  According to research, I am a success story: I have been able to maintain most of my weight loss for 6 years. I often try to remember how far I have come, because it is easy for me to forget. However, finding food freedom and exercise freedom has been one of the highlights of the entire process. Regardless of being thinner when I was younger, and at the higher end of the weight spectrum throughout much of my adult life, I have never experienced a feeling of freedom in regard to food. What I have gained is a new lifestyle, one in which I am able to engage in activities that bring me joy, and enjoy food that makes me happy, with friends and family that I love. I am passionate about sharing this message with others. I am getting back to finding the joy in living a healthy life, remembering what is important, without the worry of weight; and that is worth its weight in gold.

If you have stumbled upon my blog, I am so happy to have you here to visit. I hope you know how valuable you are to this world.  This work is a dedication to you.  May you always find beauty and strength within yourself to conquer any obstacle you come across or any dream you have.  You are worthy and you are enough.

Beginning this Wednesday, I will be regularly posting here in Discovering Balance.  I will be debunking myths surrounding most of the health data we have been taught or are seeing in the media.  You will be surprised at how much is myth and how little is fact!

I hope that you like what you see and that you will come back, often!