So, I Ran My First Half Marathon

It’s been a week and I’ve had time to collect some thoughts and wanted to share them with you.

When I saw my race photos, my first instinct was to begin to pick apart every single thing about myself. What can I say, old habits die hard. So I sat with those thoughts for a bit and then I took a deep breath. I realized that this person that I was judging so harshly, this smiling, proud, exhausted, lovely human had just completed one of her bucket list items. She dreamed so often of what this moment would actually feel like. She worked SO hard for months and months, determined to chase the goal she set years ago, to reach it…and this is the exact moment in which she did it…captured in time forever.

Why do we take so many opportunities to be so hard on ourselves? Why is it SO easy for us to point out every one of our perceived flaws? Why do we find it so difficult to list the things we actually like about ourselves? Instead of allowing myself a moment of pride and joy as I looked at the photos, I immediately went to the negative place. We are taught to pick ourselves apart; we are told by the world that we are in constant need of improvement: eat less, eat more, fight wrinkles, color your gray hair, hide your stretch marks, cover up your scars, eat this food, grow your lashes, grow your booty, shrink your booty, wear these clothes, buy this makeup, get off the couch, be productive, no pain no gain. How often do we receive messages of acceptance about ourselves or messages to slow down? I challenge you to go one day without noticing messages that tell you that you are not enough, that you are not doing enough, that you could be better. With this constant barrage, it’s no wonder that we are all just stumbling around trying to meet the expectations of society. A society that knows absolutely NOTHING about us. We are weighed down by self-doubt; that we never feel like we are enough…or that we are too much. Aren’t YOU the keeper of YOU? What if you like your laugh lines? Maybe they remind you that your life has been filled with laughter and joy. What if you are proud of your stretch marks because they remind you that you carried life within you? What if you like your booty because you got it from your mama and she’s your favorite person in the whole world?

In the past few years, as I recover from orthorexia, I have learned so much and yet I feel like I know very little. Some days it’s like I’m just starting over and others I feel wise beyond my years. When I decided to ditch dieting I envisioned a happy, healthy version of myself that went beyond what I weigh. I realized that spending hours a day exercising and countless hours each week tracking and counting were not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. That living my best life was not going to start when I reached a certain weight or looked a certain way; my best life was right now, in this moment, in this day. I wanted to create a life filled with joyful movement and moments that did not include berating myself or feeling that I was never going to be enough. That my identity was not wrapped up in shrinking myself. I wanted to finally feel true pride for my efforts. I wanted my self-worth to come from somewhere besides what my body shape was, the size of my clothes, or the weight on the scale.

This photo is all of those things. This photo represents So. Many. Things. A goal set and achieved. Pride. Lifelong friendships made and relationships bonded forever. A literal dream come true.

The next time you choose to beat yourself up, take a step back and ask yourself who it serves. Would you say any of those things to someone you love, or even to a complete stranger? If the answer is no then try very hard not to do it. It takes practice, believe me. But the more we do it, the better we will be. Practice replacing one negative thought with one positive thought. Be nicer and kinder to yourself. You deserve to be treated kindly by YOU.