Not Good Enough

Discovering Balance Series, Part 1

Growing up, I lived in a straight-sized body, confident and active. But at the beginning of my senior year of HS, I began to gain weight pretty rapidly which continued throughout college and into my 20’s when I married the love of my life. 

We’re told from the time we’re kids that weight gain and living in a larger body is unacceptable, so of course I tried valiantly to lose it. All the diets and all the pills; if it promised weight loss, I did it. I’d lose a little and gain even more.

My weight was the issue in all aspects of my life. Flying: would the seat belt fit or would I have to ask for an extender. Would others want to sit next to me because I was fat? Restaurants: could I maneuver through or around tables and chairs where I may not fit? Meetings or doctor’s offices: would I fit or be comfortable in a chair with arms? Walking with friends: would I be able to keep up? 

“Well-meaning” strangers approached me in public with diet advice. Others congratulated me on my pregnancy, even touching my belly. Well-meaning family members pleaded with me to lose weight “for my health.”

When I wasn’t shamed for my size, I was ignored. Growing up in a smaller body, I was acutely aware of how different I was treated in a larger body. Where once I was seen, I was now invisible even though I physically took up more space. I was fat in a world that despises fat people. 

Every doctor’s visit resulted in the same advice: lose weight. No matter my symptoms (a cold, a skin rash). Apparently, fatness was the cause of all my ailments. Eventually I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I’d never heard of it. I didn’t know it affects our endocrine system and metabolism. That it affects how a body manages energy from food or that weight loss can be very difficult. That I’d be fighting an uphill battle. Yet, the advice was always to lose weight. And the message was clear: it’s your fault you’re fat.

I was always ashamed.

Next I’ll share how losing a friend would change my course.